So, life is fleeting, I found out. Here today, gone tomorrow. My first real loss of someone dear to my heart - my grandmother.
Such a big part of my childhood, my young adulthood and my current being. I grew up on the food she made me with a smile on her face, with warmth and love and acceptance. She was a people person. She knew people. And people knew her. Smart too. I remember her telling me she studied till 10th standard and scored a 100/99 in math. She was smart beyond her schooling.
A better part of my life was spent in my Ajji mane. My loving grandma, waiting for me with her chakkli, kodbale, avalakki, unde... and her love.
She told me stories. About tirthahalli, about mawa, about her sister who went to America, about relatives, about her past and the way they built their house. Those joyous afternoons and evenings spent on the bench outside her house, as we sat and shared a few words, a game perhaps or some food.
She was perhaps remembered to chastise thaata once in a while and I remember thaata's pleasure in watching paapa pandu, and laughing along to the slapstick humor on the tv between husband and wife. She loved him though, and I know this because of her concern for him. They have been through a lot together. I cannot imagine what thaatha must be going through.
You can choose to believe this last part or ..not. The night before she passed, I saw her in my sleep. Her face. Made of light. Maybe she was remembering me? Did she visit me? I don't know. In the morning, when I was talking with my sister, my dad's phone rang - my mom was calling him over urgently. I understood then, without people telling me.
I cycled over to the stupid restaurant I eat at. On the way, I remembered things my previous spiritual master told me. I also mulled over how brief life is. I ate. I came home. I did some packing? I don't know its a blur. I did not know if what I was thinking was real or not. And then, I sat and I chanted my prayer, because I felt that's the thing to do. By the end of it I was crying. Before anyone told me explicitly what had happened. I just knew. I did not want to call them yet to confirm. I waited. My mom called me. She was crying. I really did not know how to react. And then my sister. She's telling me she's feeling afraid. She wishes I was there with her. My heart breaks.
I remember telling her to stay strong. And saying there is a god and she should pray. And that I will pray. And I did. And I listened to Joel Osteen and Sadhguru. Joel made me cry. Sadhguru made me question him internally. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil" .. I cried.
How empty will that home be when I visit next? How many hearts wrenched by this loss..
I remember her telling me to find a girl who will look after my mom, citing a family example. I remember her telling me to find a girl with a good heart. I love her so much. Who else will be my ajji but her?
Such a big part of my childhood, my young adulthood and my current being. I grew up on the food she made me with a smile on her face, with warmth and love and acceptance. She was a people person. She knew people. And people knew her. Smart too. I remember her telling me she studied till 10th standard and scored a 100/99 in math. She was smart beyond her schooling.
A better part of my life was spent in my Ajji mane. My loving grandma, waiting for me with her chakkli, kodbale, avalakki, unde... and her love.
She told me stories. About tirthahalli, about mawa, about her sister who went to America, about relatives, about her past and the way they built their house. Those joyous afternoons and evenings spent on the bench outside her house, as we sat and shared a few words, a game perhaps or some food.
She was perhaps remembered to chastise thaata once in a while and I remember thaata's pleasure in watching paapa pandu, and laughing along to the slapstick humor on the tv between husband and wife. She loved him though, and I know this because of her concern for him. They have been through a lot together. I cannot imagine what thaatha must be going through.
You can choose to believe this last part or ..not. The night before she passed, I saw her in my sleep. Her face. Made of light. Maybe she was remembering me? Did she visit me? I don't know. In the morning, when I was talking with my sister, my dad's phone rang - my mom was calling him over urgently. I understood then, without people telling me.
I cycled over to the stupid restaurant I eat at. On the way, I remembered things my previous spiritual master told me. I also mulled over how brief life is. I ate. I came home. I did some packing? I don't know its a blur. I did not know if what I was thinking was real or not. And then, I sat and I chanted my prayer, because I felt that's the thing to do. By the end of it I was crying. Before anyone told me explicitly what had happened. I just knew. I did not want to call them yet to confirm. I waited. My mom called me. She was crying. I really did not know how to react. And then my sister. She's telling me she's feeling afraid. She wishes I was there with her. My heart breaks.
I remember telling her to stay strong. And saying there is a god and she should pray. And that I will pray. And I did. And I listened to Joel Osteen and Sadhguru. Joel made me cry. Sadhguru made me question him internally. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil" .. I cried.
How empty will that home be when I visit next? How many hearts wrenched by this loss..
I remember her telling me to find a girl who will look after my mom, citing a family example. I remember her telling me to find a girl with a good heart. I love her so much. Who else will be my ajji but her?
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